


Yesterday is dun

by BloodyMizz



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: 2016, Emotional, Emotional Roadshow Tour, Ers2016, F/M, Fan - Freeform, Fanfiction, Pilots, Story, Tour, josh dun - Freeform, one - Freeform, roadshow, twenty, twenty one pilots - Freeform, twentyonepilots - Freeform, tyler joseph - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-26
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-09-02 11:11:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8665378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BloodyMizz/pseuds/BloodyMizz
Summary: Miriam has the chance to meet the love of her life.Traveling with the band isn't easy and meeting new friends neither since she has depressions.But the heat between her and josh I extreme.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for all the small I's, Josh's, Anita's,... the bad grammar...  
> You can correct me. I would appreciate it.

"JOSH!!!!"  
Tyler was looking right at me. "Pssssht!" He said while tapping on his lips with his index finger. "No you're psssht now!" I said. Tyler laughed: "ok. Go ahead." The whole hall was covered in silence. "Josh...! I love you!" I screamed as loud as I could while josh was just sitting there behind his drums and didn't know what to say. "It's not that "adoring someone". It's real love. And i can't handle it. Because you are so far away. And you will never realize me." Tyler and josh looked at each other. "I bet you will never feel the same. I'm not perfect but you are. I miss you every second of my life and it kills me to see you every day. I just want to know if we have a chance. If not please break my heart so I can try to live on."  
There this moment of nothing was. Nothing happened. Nobody said something. Until Tyler broke the silence.  
"Someone get her over here!" Tyler looked at a bodyguard standing in front of me. The bodyguard looked back at them and after Tyler nod the bodyguard pulled me over the fence. I have not had a chance to see what anita was doing. I was not running on stage. It was a more a kind of stumbling.  
When I arrived the stage none of them did anything. No one said something. We were just standing there. "And now?" I looked at both. Tyler was just staying in front of me and josh still sat behind his drums. This lil cutie. "Well..." Tyler said and looked at me. At josh. At me. At josh. "Well?" I asked. "What should I do? I already said I'm not perfect." I couldn't hide a nervous giggle. And I blushed. I gave everything to hold it back. But after that stupid laughing... "nobody's perfect" Tyler replied. He pulled me to him and gave me a little hug. I turned to josh: "josh seriously. Everybody in here loves you. And i bet more than the half of them would say to love you more than i do. But you mean the world to me. I don't only love your extremely hot body - I love your personality, your humor, your laughter ..." I stopped for a moment and took a deep breath. I wasn't waiting for josh to answer. It was just this hoping. This hoping that he wouldn't say 'you're so ugly'. "And I love cats!" Josh laughed. "I would never put myself between you and Tyler and I never would tell you to decide between your best friend and me. And never ever between me and your family!" I waited again. Josh wasn't doing anything. He just looked at me. "I don't want to put myself on a level I am not and I don't want to advertise myself or something. I really like you josh. I like you a lot. And it is ok if you don't feel the same. You don't even know me!" I took a step back. "I'm sorry. I'm so dumb." I did weird things with my hands as I took one step after the other as I went away from josh and Tyler. "You deserve the best and i am not. You are perfect. I'm so sorry." I wanted to leave the stage but Tyler hold my arm. I looked him directly in the face. He shaked with his head and smiled at me as he pulled me back. "You are gorgeous. And I think josh and you would be a really cute couple." He still held my arm and looked at josh. "How about you come backstage after show?" It was more a question to josh than a question to me. Josh answered: "I would like to talk to you later." He smiled at me. "O-okay." I looked back at Tyler, then I left the stage. The bodyguard helped me to get in the crowd again. "Oh mein Gott!!" (Oh my god) anita said and shook me as wild as she could. I smiled and looked back to the stage. The whole concert I thought about what would happen when I were backstage. Anita and I drove more than 190 miles to get to the concert and we both had to work the next day.  
When the show ended we ran out of the hall and searched for the trucks behind the building. Josh was stepping inside as I yelled: "Josh!" But it was so silent only anita next to me could have heard that. "Josh!" I yelled a little louder. He stopped and looked around like a ghost would have whispered his name in his ear. Then he looked at us and left the stairs. "Hey" he answered and I melted. This voice. Oh my.  
He did not know if he should hug me, do the secret handshake or give me a high five. So we just did nothing and stand there, looking at each other. "Can we talk?" I asked and josh immediately answered "yes please!" We went behind the bus while anita waited. "Josh I'm so sorry..." he interrupted me, shaked wild with his hands and said: "you don't have to be sorry for anything." "Yes I have. I am so stupid. You don't have to say anything to me. I just wanted to apologize."  
"What's your name?" He asked. I was already to go. "Miriam" I replied and looked him right in the eyes. "Miriam" josh repeated. He tried to say it the same way I did but his German sounded more like a drunken Irish. I smiled at him and he smiled back. I was so nervous I played with my hair and touched his arm. "You did an amazing job tonight. This was my first concert ever. I am so thankful you do this to make all of us happy." I didn't know what else to say because I was scared this awkward moment of silent would kill me. "Thank you. You don't have to be nervous. I like you. You are really pretty." I don't know what he did with his arms. I was so busy pulling my hair trough my fingers. Josh spoke so silent. "No josh please. I totally screwed up today. We paied more than 460€ (490$) to get here. We bought two cards for everyone and payed more than the 10th price ... it is just. You are so extremely gorgeous and I am nothing. I tried to blanket my feelings for you but I can't hide it from myself anymore. You mean everything for me ... oh sorry I am doing it again." I took a step back. "You don't have to be sorry." Josh's voice got a little louder while he grabbed a strand of my hair and put I behind my ears. "Josh I ..." I said so silent. "We told one of the guards to pick you up and bring you here." He laughed and laid his head a bit sideways. I exhaled and grinned. "He must be walking around in there and trying to find us everywhere right now!" I laughed and josh laughed too. "Or...!" I said a little dramatically. "He went to the hall, saw nobody and thought "fuck you i have my job" and left." Right after I said that I began to feel dumb again and I realized I was blushing again. I tried to hide it a bit and looked around. But josh laughed and joked with me: "But what if this was the only thing that would have been fun for him and now he is totally sad because you have not been there and he couldn't pick you up?" He raised his eyebrows and looked a bit reproached at me. "Awesome now I feel guilty thanks" I said without stopping. He smiled. "I really mean what I said on stage." I tried to get to the conversation again. "I know. And don't be worried, I would not break your heart. You totally are my type. Even Tyler said that when we left the stage." "You're lying." I couldn't blush more so I kind of forgot to think about that. "No i really mean it. Maybe I would have sent you away because I don't want a relationship at the moment but Tyler wheedled me." "If you don't want a relationship we don't have to do this josh ... really. I don't want to annoy you. Like I already said, you could have nearly everyone ..." I looked away. Of course I wanted to be with him, of course I wanted to be in a relationship with him but i wasn't that kind of woman who would change somebody's ways or to make a whole new person out of someone. He stood above everything. He was the main and I wanted him to be happy. And if he would be happy without me than this would have been the only thing that mattered.  
"Don't be like that. I wouldn't be standing here if I weren't interested in you." He said and hugged me. He wrapped his arms around my neck and pulled me on his chest. First I was too surprised to do anything but then I felt more and more comfortable and I wrapped my arms around him too. Oh my god he were so muscular. He was that skinny muscular. When someone normally is only skin and bones and the muscles were so strong. I began to stroke him then I felt totally displaced again and as uncomfortably as I only could. So I pushed me away from him. Josh looked kind of surprised. "I'm so sorry. I always have the feeling that this isn't right. I mean ... not because of you!" I pulled the u so long it was kind of weird. "Only because of me. I don't deserve you. You need someone better." Again I made a step back. "Anita might be frozen already." I said because I was scared of his answer.  
"You are right. It's getting cold. Do you want to come inside the bus?" He said. I don't know if it was just me or if he rally clang a little nerved. Speaking never felt so hard: "don't you have to take a shower or something?" Josh smiled. "I will in the hotel. So?" I nodded and we went to the front of the bus again. Anita was still waiting. "We are going inside." I said to anita. "Can she come with us?" Josh not really answered he just blinked and somehow I knew this meant "yes". Left from the entrance were the sleeping coves and behind those were a lounge. At the right side were tables and a small kitchen. We went the left way. Tyler was already sitting there and checking twitter. Josh pleased us to sit down. Anita wanted to sit next to me but josh did not let her so she had to sit next to Tyler. Josh laid his arm on the armature behind me. I was kind of scared. Not because of josh. Because of me. I was so scared to screw up.  
"You are so beautiful." I couldn't hold it back. "You're not only good looking you are also beautiful from the inside." "Oh no..." josh tried to interrupt me but I continued. "No josh really. I mean everything I've seen so far from you... you are so great! Everything you do seems so perfect. I love all the jokes you make. The way you look at Tyler." "You know that's not true." "Everybody knows that's true." Josh smiled. He didn't knew what to say. "I want to know more from you." Josh laid his hand in my shoulder. I looked at this hand, then back at his eyes. I kind of inspected him. His nose I always loved to much. His lips. And oh my god his eyes. These dark brown eyes. They looked right in mine. I felt hypnotized.  
"Well ... what should I say? I'm an artist. I am working as a digital media designer. And I hate my colleagues and they hate me. Ummm..." josh looked kind of asking. "Yeah well ... I always gave my best and it wasn't enough. Then I got depressions again and ... yeah. They didn't care." Josh looked like he wanted to hug me but it seemed like he thought i did not want to.  
"It's okay" I said and smiled. "I really am not that interesting." "Don't say something like that. Of course you are interesting. I mean, I am listening?" Josh smiled at me as I looked at anita. She was just sitting there. Josh wanted to know what I was looking for and turned his head. "Should we take a moment for us?" He asked. "I don't know. Anita seems so alone." She just sat there and looked around. I felt so guilty. Josh pulled me a few meters away. "You can stay with us for the night." He held my arms while looking at me. "B-but I don't know ... I mean anita..." "she can stay too." I looked at her again. "We both have to work tomorrow. Well I don't care. I would definitely stay here but anita has to drive so far ..." "ask her." Josh replied. I looked at him and went to anita. "Josh sagt wir dürfen über Nacht bleiben ..." (josh says We can stay for the night) I was just staying next to her while she sat on the couch. "Mach das! Bleib hier!" (Do it! Stay!) She stood up and smiled. "Aber was ist mit dir? Du musst ganz allein nach Hause fahren oder auch hier bleiben ..." (but what about you. You will need to drive home all alone or stay here too) I was really afraid to let my best friend drive home alone. At midnight. That far. "Das ist ok. So eine Chance kriegst du nie wieder. Ich fahr heim. Ich schaff das schon." (That's alright. You will never get a chance like this again. I will drive home. I can make it) I hugged her.  
After anita left we drove to the hotel were josh took me to his room. Of course it was a suite and of course it was extremely big. They would only stay for one night. "I can sleep on the couch." Josh said and immediately went to the couch in a room that was like a small living room. You don't have to." I replied and smiled. I was not pretty sure if this were the right words for what I wanted to say but josh looked right at me and smiled back.  
Josh went to the shower and I was waiting for him. I texted with anita if she was alright and that she should stay somewhere if she were too tired. When josh came back the only thing covering his hips were a white towel. With another one he dried his hair. He went through the room and I was just like 'Oh. My. God.' It was already two in the morning and we decided to go to bed. Since I not really had something to wear josh lend me one of his t-shirts. No it was not the NASA-shirt.  
"Amsterdams tomorrow. Right?" I asked. We both laid on the sides to look at each other. Josh nodded. "How are we gonna make this? Am I leaving in the morning?" "No no. Let's talk about this tomorrow." Since we had no light turned on before we did not needed to turn them off. So we just laid there. I crawled over and waited a second, what was kind of meant as a question for josh if it was ok to put my head on his shoulder. He moved his arm and let me cuddle with him. In the first moment I feel uncomfortable again. But than i began to realize that i was laying next to josh fucking dun. So I let mu fingers slide over his body. He wasn't wet anymore. I felt his six pack and all his muscles. "Oh josh" i silently moaned. He looked at me and grinned. And just in that moment I looked at his lips and I wanted to kiss him so hard. Every second I thought 'I want to marry you so hard. I want to be with you for ever. I want to go on tour with you guys. I want to kiss you.' But if course I didn't say that. I already felt so stupid and did not wanted to fuck it up more and more. "You know ... i already tried to get you noticing me on snapchat, insta and twitter." I said and made a silly laugh. Josh exhaled and smiled. "So dumb." I said while smiling quietly. "You must have get messages from over a thousand girls every day." "I have two phones. That makes it much easier." He replied and I immediately answered: "I know!" I looked in his face. "I mean ... I saw in snapchat." Josh smiled and stroked my arm with wich I supported my body from not crushing on him. I began to smile back but very slow. Then again I surveyed him. I were not wearing a bra this day. Because it was Fall and when I wore so many clothes like I were this day I gave my boobies a little rest. Without their prison. In this moment I began to think about that. 'Did he already realize? How does he think about that? I bet he thinks I'm a tramp.' I laid my hands on his six pack and put my head on my hands so I could directly look him in he eyes. He did not look away. He looked in mine. "You really are extremely beautiful." Again I said something josh had no answer for. And I felt like I was regaling myself. "Say something..." I said and immediately thought about this song so I couldn't stand singing: "I'm giving up on you ..." I made a fist and sang as dramatically as I could. Then I looked back at his and laughed. He laughed too and touched my hair. He kind of inspected that strand he was holding between his fingers. "I am blond. This is just dye." I said because I was always trying to be honest. That was one of the most important things in life for me. Always being honest to people. Because I wanted them to be too. "I bet you look good in every hair color." As he said that I thought about every color he dyed his hair before. "I nearly had every color already." I said and smiled bright. He smiled back. Maybe somehow he thought 'we aren't that different.' Because we weren't. "Oh but I can't play the drums." I laughed and slid back in his arm again. "Can you play any instrument?" He said and i nodded. "I played piano when I was small. They said I were extremely talented but somehow I did not wanted to play it anymore. Then I learned flute and saxophone and guitar and there are people who say I can sing..." I looked at the ceiling. I hoped josh were not agreeing with the last thing I said so I tried to interrupt him again: "it's so late and you have worked so hard. Don't you want to sleep?" I looked at his face and he moved his head so he could see at mine. "Okay." He said and blinked slowly. I wanted to kiss him so extremely so I kissed his cheek. I looked at him again to see his reaction. He smiled and I leaned my head. I let my hand glide to his hips and realized he was doing the same.


	2. Chapter 2

I let my hand glide to his hips and realized he was doing the same. I closed my eyes and slid into the moment. I wanted to grab his butt, then I thought that he might find that awkward and went to his waist instead. Josh petted my neck with his other hand. I thought about if this was right or not and if he wanted this or not. But he wouldn't do the same if he wouldn't be interested in me... right?

So I slowly let my fingers glide to his leg. On the way I crawled his skin by twisting my fingers and touching his soft surface. He gently pressed his nose against my forehead as he was touching my hips. He kissed me between the eyes and I pushed my head against his. I got hot under the sheet and we huggled our legs against each other. I roughhoused his side and let my hand slide over a little faster. I pushed myself against him so I could felt his warm skin nearly everywhere. My nipples began to get harder and as is laid my leg over his hips I realized his penis was too. Josh moaned quietly and I smiled. He twisted his fingers around my panties and I wrapped my arm around his neck. I felt his warm soft skin and I hoped for this moment to never end. I kissed his throat but I wanted to kiss his lips so badly. I kissed him again and again, but I didn't kiss his lips. I surveyed his tattoos, his piercing, not asking what the tattoos meant for him but I was asking myself all the time. It was so dark I had low vision but I was able to see enough. He hadn't seen all of my tattoos but I knew he already looked at two. I let my hand glide through his hair. I loved the feel of the different textures. The shaved and the long her. I pushed my forehead against his. He kissed mine. I gently touched his lips while he grabbed my butt. We both smiled for a short moment. I felt his feet and hey were so warm. I was scared to touch him with my ice cold ones. His full body was warm while i had parts wich always were cold. With my index finger I ran down his spine. I went up and down again and again. He pushed himself against me a little more and I moaned quietly as he smiled. I still had my leg laid on his waist and always felt a little 'push' from his penis. I was so nervous I thought about the rythm and that his penis wasn't as rhythmic as Josh was on the drums.   
He pulled my panties down and I wasn't trying to stop him. Au contraire. I twisted my legs as he was slowly taking it down to help him getting it off more easily. I kissed his cheeks again and took his boxers off with both hands. He turned me around so I laid on my back and josh got up on me. He looked at my eyes and kissed my nose. I moaned again and put my hands on his hips. To support himself his hands were right beside my ears and I found that so sexy. The way how big he was and how he looked down at me. The light of the moon patted the right side of his face. His hair felt so wild and he smiled at me.   
He looked down my body. I still wore his Tshirt. I didn't knew if he wanted me to take it off or not. But I weren't ready at this moment. 

Then I looked at him and said: "I'm so sorry I don't want you to think bad about me." Then I crawled through his arms and went a few inches away from me. Josh laid on his side again. "No. no no! It's alright!" He said and packed my waist. "I'm sorry Josh. You mean too much to me to screw it up this early." I waited a moment. "I'm sorry josh." Then I kissed his cheek again. "I don't want you to be tired tomorrow. Just because of me. We should really sleep now." I said. Then I thought about what I just did. Was it right or was it wrong? Did I made a mistake by trying to avoid it? 

Josh grinned at me and said: "it's ok. I understand you. We should really try to sleep now." He kissed my forehead and cuddled with me again. 

\--

The next morning josh got up very early. He showered again, dressed up and went to Tyler. It was about half six, We only slept two to three hours when I woke up by a gently shake. I startled and turned around then I look directly in Josh's face. "Oh my... I thought you would leave without me and let my stay here alone." I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled myself against him. "I would never do that! I just wanted to let you sleep a few ore minutes." He smiled at me and pulled me out of bed. Then he gave me a new one of his shirts and my clothes from yesterday and I went to the bathroom to change and make myself a little fresh. Then I fumed about not having any makeup or at least makeup remover. So I tried to scrub my runned eyeliner with water and went to josh. He was already waiting for me and we left the hotel. Tyler, Jenna, brad, Marc and the rest already waited outside. A bus drove us to the train station then we took the next one toward holland. 

During the ride a couple of fans wanted to take pictures with josh and Tyler. Most of them didn't stay for very long. Josh always held my hand and smiled at me. Tyler and Jenna were sitting towards us.   
"So how was your night?" Tyler asked with a little grin in his lips. Josh made a kind of angry face back at him. "How was YOUR night?!" Josh then replied and raised his eyebrows. Tyler laughed: "our night was awesome. Like every night." And kissed Jenna. She smiled and looked outside the window again. "So how was it?" Tyler pumped josh again and couldn't hide his stupid smile inside. Josh didn't look at me. He was just staring at Tyler. "The night was good!" I interrupted that awkward game between those two then. "But I didn't want to ..." I pulled the o very long. Tyler was kind of surprised. He maybe did not planned on this. A few moments later he squinched his eyes and said "you did not want to have sex with JOSH DUN?!" to me. I was always ok talking about theses like that so I answered: "josh means a lot to me. A lot! And I don't want him to think I'm a slut or something like that. I don't want any of you to think that. You are my favourite band and you could smash me into pieces." I held in for a moment. "I-i didn't meant that! I meant that it is important for me what you think about myself and that I ..." josh interrupted me: "it's ok. We know what you meant. And i would never think something like that about you. Like i already said yesterday." "We have to get out at the next station." Marc said. I don't know if he heard all of that last conversation. We began to get ready to leave the train and collected all our stuff. Somehow I was happy this was over, somehow I weren't. 

Amsterdam was beautiful. I have never been here but always wanted to. This houses were so cute, old and colorful. We entered a new hotel were we left the most of our stuff then took a bus to the concert hall. Tyler and josh and the rest of the crew started to build the stage up. Josh told me to wait in his dressing room. I've waited there for a while, texting anita and not caring about my job and all the calls I denied. 

It didn't take too long till josh came and picked me up. "Wanna go to Starbucks?" He asked and of course I said yes. Usually I never have money with me but luckily I had some rest from my concert-money. Of course on our way some fans crossed and wanted to take pictures again. Josh always was so kind and never denied a photo. "I'm so sorry." He said and grabbed my hand. "It's ok! This would never be a problem for me!" I answered and smiled at him. When we arrived the Starbucks josh ordered one "caramel cream frappuccino" with extra caramel and I asked for a "hot fudge chocolate". As I wanted to pay my drink josh blocked me and payed both. I looked at him while leaning my head to the left. He smiled, blinked and looked away. We looked for a bench and sat down. Of course josh crossed his legs. I looked at his and crossed mine as he did. I laughed inside but tried really hard to keep it in. 

As I sipped my hot chocolate looked around. I looked at the buildings, the people, the streets. I always found new towns and new countries so inspiring and interesting. "It's so beautiful here!" I said. Josh nodded and drank. He seemed a little disinterested. "Have you been here before?" I looked at him and hoped for a true answer not just a nod. He looked back at me: "yes." Then he stopped. I thought 'awesome. He hates me.' Maybe he saw my disappointment about this short answer in my eyes because he recovered himself and continued. "we had a stop on our last trip to Europe here. But there are towns that are so much more beautiful than Amsterdam." I didn't knew what to answer so I pulled my lips a little weird to the side and looked away. Josh looked at his phone. "We only have two hours left till we have to get back to the hall. I'm so sorry. I think Jenna might let you go with her. I don't know if she watches the show or goes through town today.", Josh said while scrolling through his newsfeed in twitter. Then he switched to snapchat and made a snap of his coffee. He laid the "Amsterdam"-filter on and posted it.   
he looked at me as I smiled frustrated.   
"Josh are you mad at me?" I looked at him and pulled my eyebrows up. I slid a little nearer and looked directly in his eyes. Then I looked at his lips again. 'Oh mein Gott ich will ihn küssen.' (Oh my god I want to kiss him.) I thought. Then I looked at his eyes again as fast as I could. "No I'm not. I'm fine." He replied and looked down at me. "Why do you think so?" I looked ashamed away: "because of yesterday..." josh laid his arm around me and pressed myself against him. "Oh no don't think that! You were totally right. I don't want this to go too fast too." He kissed my head. Again I saw up at him and asked "this?" While laying my head on his shoulder. He smiled but didn't answered. 

We stayed like this for a while then had to get back to the hall. Tyler and Jenna arrived a little later. As Bry arrived he first didn't notice me. Josh, Tyler and he kidded around then josh patted his shoulder, came to me and said "this is miriam." Bry shook my hand and said "nice to meet you" with his sweet Irish accent. "You were awesome last night! Sometimes I like to listen to your kind of music and I definitely will the next time I feel to." I said, smiled and pulled my shoulders up. I always did weird stuff when I felt uncomfortable. I looked at josh and hoped he would rescue me out of this situation. "Thank you.", Bry replied. "You were the girl on stage right?" I slowly nodded. "Okay we'll see you later!" Josh said, grabbed my arm and pulled me into his dressing room. "You want anything? We haven't eaten yet. But we will after the show." Josh asked and pointed at the table with food. "No I'm fine. Thanks." I laughed. "You sure?" He asked and I nodded again. Then we flop ourselves into the couch. After exhaling I hugged josh and squeezed him as hard as I could. Then I sank down a little and cuddled with him. He wrapped his arms around me and laid his head on mine. "Im wishing you all good and a nice show on stage." I said and closed my eyes. I relaxed and appreciated the moment. "Thank you." He said with a really soft voice. We didn't do anything for a moment. Just chilling on the couch and cuddling. "I will take you out tonight." Josh leaned a little forward so he could look at my face. I smiled and said: "you don't have to." "But I want to." He answered and grinned. I accepted and thanked him. I pushed my nose against his neck and kissed him. Tyler opened the door: "okay?" He said and looked at josh. Josh answered with "okay" and gut up. He kissed my forehead and said: "I have to change, make myself ready and then the show will begin. I think it would be this best if you stay at the side."  
I nodded, kissed his cheek and got to the stage. The hall was already full and so loud. Bry stood on stage and sang "everything" the crowd was excited already. Like in every concert there was a long gap between Bry's and twenty one pilots' act. But as the lights turned out and "fairly local" started everybody freaked out. I watched a while then noticed Jenna a few meters away from me. I wondered if she didn't liked me or why she didn't came over so we could watch together so I wanted to find out and went over to her. I tipped at her shoulder and said "hi" as she turned around. "I got to ask you something." "Okay?" She said and looked at me. "Um... is it possible that you don't like me?" I asked and did that weird thing with my hands again when I pushed him against each other and played with my fingers. "I mean ...", I wondered if I asked to harsh so I tried to get me out of the situation. "Yours and Tyler's opinion about me really mean everything to me. And i really want you to like me. Not that i want to force it!" "No no! Everything's fine. I mean I don't know you already." She said and patted my arm. Then she looked back at her husband and asked me: "you wanna hang out? We could eat something." "Sounds good. But maybe not eating. Josh want to go out with me later. But drinking something sounds great." I smiled and we left the building. 

Jenna and I searched for a while, didn't talk very much. Then we found a little cocktail bar and looked for a table. Jenna and I ordered a drink then she began: "is it ok for you if I ask some questions?" I agreed. "Well I know you are a fan and I know your feelings are true and all of this but... do you really think you can stand all of this? I mean ..." she held in for a moment. "The fans? The groupies? All the girls saying they love josh? That can be really hard. There aren't only three girls pretending this. There might be 3,000 and more!   
And Josh does a lot sport. He hasn't that much time. Do you really think this is ok for you? What will you do? Will you work? I'm sorry I'm asking all of this. But josh is a big part of Tyler's life. And of mine. He me and so much to us. And we all want a real relationship for him. Not only these three month things ..."


	3. Chapter 3

And we all want a real relationship for him. Not only these three month things ..." 

I was kind of surprised, thinking she would never stop asking but as she did I didn't knew what to say and all what got out of my mouth was a confused "Uuuuuuh...". Jenna laughed and said that she was sorry to ask me all of this. I replied: "no no! No problem! I don't know where to start ... um... I had three relationships till now and they were all more than one year up to nearly four years. And I would never break up with josh. I'm not that kind of person that leaves when just one small problem appears. I would always fight for him and talk with him about everything. And I would never lie to josh. ... never." I looked down on my drink. "And I am not jealous until I have a reason to ... I mean ... when my partner has an affair or something." I looked at Jenna again. She was listening carefully. "Uh... I think I forgot the rest ... but all I can say is that it is totally important for me that Josh's friends like me and that everything between us is alright." She smiled and said: "it is." From that on Jenna were on her phone a few times but I didn't really recognize. We talked about how life was for her, living with a band this popular, being married to Tyler and I learned a lot new things about josh.   
"Josh's a really quite person. But there are these moments, when he is totally different and he is loud and he is so silly and ... you will see. He can be so funny." Jenna laughed all the time she told me about these moments. I bet she thought about some special moments. 

"Heeeeeeyyy!" It echoed through the bar. Someone packed me from behind and pinched in my shoulders, I shocked and closed my eyes. Then I turned around and saw josh behind me. I were so scared I didn't knew if I should hug or box josh, so I just went with a "oh my god". Josh laughed loudly, Tyler went around the table and gave Jenna a kiss.   
I thought josh would never recover himself. He held his belly, doubled up with laughter and held himself at the chair I was sitting on. First i were a little pissed but as i watched josh laughing I somehow had to laugh with him. He wiped a tear and asked: "ready for our date?" I smiled and agreed. Josh were already showered and covered in new clothes. I looked at him as we left the bar. "But I don't have anything to wear. I'm still wearing your stuff!" Josh smiled. "I hope you won't go in a really exquisite restaurant with me." "You choose." He replied. "If you don't want to go in a Italian restaurant or something like this, we can go somewhere else." For a moment I thought about all the possible places to eat but then I said that I don't want to chose. Because I really did not like that. But josh weren't contented with that and said: "what are your preferences?" "Umm ... uhhh ... I don't know ... i would even go to McDonald's." I laughed. "Okay we'll find something." Josh said, smiled and grabbed my arm.

We weren't going very far when I found a little pizzeria and looked for a table. We sat down right beside the window and ordered. Prosciutto for me and margherita for him. It didn't take very long and while we were eating I remembered something I wanted to tell josh. "Oh I thought a lot about your question last night." He swallowed, looked a little surprised at me and asked for what question. "You wanted to know more about me." He nodded. "Well I don't know how to say it without you thinking I'm totally insane. But I'm a sort of witch." Josh frowned and I continued. "Well a modern witch. Not with a broom and that shit. No I believe in drawing cards and healing plants and the force of the moon and all of that. I'm really scared this might be a problem for you since you're so Christian." He listened intended then said: "I didn't knew this were so modern these days." "Oh yes it is! The internet is full, if you just look for the right hashtags. I'm unbaptized, so I had the chance to choose to believe in what i want and to love who I want. My parents are so cool, they just want me to be happy." Josh didn't say anything, he were just eating his pizza and looking at me. "Is it a problem for you?" He grabbed my hand. "Oh no! Of course not. Me being Christian could be a problem for you too ... so as long as this doesn't bother you, your religion won't bother me. I still want to know more about you." He smiled at me and began to ate his pizza again. After a while of silence I asked josh: "well ... if we will continue it like this, I will need to get to my place or go shopping for some clothes soon." I didn't knew how to say it right without saying something josh wasn't expecting and I was scared josh didn't want to hear that because he wanted something else from this relationship than me. So I immediately regretted what I said and thought about going to the toilet or asking something else, like 'how's your pizza?' but josh didn't look at me differently, he just looked up from his plate and nodded. Then he swallowed and said "we will. I promise. You can go with Jenna if you want to... Oh how were your evening with her?" First I thought about telling him the though or if I should lie. But I have never been a good liar especially not to people I liked. So I decided me for the truth. "Well I don't really know. I somehow think she doesn't like me." "Why do you think so?" He repeated rapidly. "She asked me so much about ... uh ... I don't know if I should say that. I mean I don't want her to get angry because I told you..." he laid his head to his right side and looked at me. "Well she asked me a lot about us and what I expect in this relationship and how this will go on ..." josh laughed: "oh god! She always takes care for me." I smiled. "I really like her and I really want all your friends to like me ..." I said and josh grabbed my hand again. We were both done with our meal. "Don't worry. I think everything's alright." He pulled my hand to his mouth and kissed it. Then josh asked me if I wanted to eat anything else, but I denied and josh paid and we left the local.   
"I'm sorry I don't have much money ..." I said while we went back to our hotel. It wasn't very far. "Oh please that's no problem! We will find a solution." He held my arm and we entered his room. He looked at his watch and said: "we don't have much time left. The train will drive at 2 am." "Where are we going?" I asked. "Paris. The last station on our ers-tour. We won't be able to sleep tonight because Tyler and I have a lot to do. But you can sleep in the train." While he packed his stuff he parenthesized: "if you want to", looked at me and left the room. He hadn't told me where he was going but I knew he was in the next room, where Jenna and Tyler were. I didn't knew what to do, I had no stuff I could have packed, didn't knew if a bus was waiting where I could have carried Josh's suitcases. So I just waited and I felt so out of place. I took my phone out of my pocket and prayed not to have too many missed calls and messages. I always felt so guilty and couldn't think clear when I knew I had messages or calls to answer. I just ignored all of that because I thought this was the easiest way for me, since I felt happy and didn't want to kill these moments. I watched Josh's snaps from the Amsterdam show and looked of they twittered something new but both hadn't. I wanted to sit down but I thought josh would think I'm lazy so I just stand in the room and stared at my phone.   
Josh came back and smiled at me. He had laid his stuff on the floor, I saw it thought the door when he entered. "The bus is waiting. We can go." He said. "I'm sorry I don't know... how can I help you?" I asked and josh gave me some bags, he carried some heavily suitcases and we left the room. Tyler and Jenna were coming with us. Two busses were waiting in front of the hotel. We took one bus with brad heaton. Tyler and the rest entered the other bus. While we drove to the train station josh laid his arm around me where I cuddled myself in. Brad and Josh talked about the pictures he did during the show. He were in his laptop all the time. I never saw him without camera or laptop. Brad showed josh the pictures and they choose some to upload. Brad edited the photos in adobe bridge. I watched both a while. I already were so tired I could have slept right away. We entered the train, went to the first class and sat down. Josh sat next to me, Tyler and Jenna in front of us (again) and brad heaton and Mark eshleman sat to our right side.   
Tyler and josh talked a lot about the songs and they were working on new songs for the album in 2017. First I listened attentive but then I got so tired I slept leaning on josh and with my head laying in his shoulder. 

\--

I woke up because josh shook me. The rest of the band were already starting to collect their stuff and getting up, ready to leave the train. I don't know what time it was but it was still dark outside. I reached for Josh's hand and we left the train. My eyes were closing all the time. I were so tired. 

I don't remember how we got to the hotel but when I woke up again I laid in a huge bed covered in white sheets. The sun gleamed though some small windows and when I saw the Eiffel Tower i smiled. 'Paris' I thought. I left the bed very slowly so I could enjoy the moment and searched for josh. The whole hotel room were one big room with one door, maybe for the bathroom, and one large door. In front of the bed were a big couch with a tv. I looked over the couch and saw josh sleeping on it so I slid over the backrest and let myself flop on him. Josh were sleeping so deep he didn't recognize me. I kissed his cheek and petted his hair. The couch was so big I were able to slide from over josh to next to him so I laid in front of josh and were able to look in his face. With his hands he made a pillow where his head laid on. He were still wearing his clothes and I realized I was not. I still wore his shirt and of course some panties, but I weren't wearing shorts. I realized how deep josh were sleeping so I decided to let him be and went to the small kitchen to my left instead. I held my stomach because it were grunting so loudly and I was scared to wake josh, but when I turned around to look for him I saw him sleeping along. I looked through the cupboards, searching for anything to eat but they had only been filled with dishes and some pots and pans. I saw a bowl with fresh fruits and picked a green apple. I looked out the window, watching the people, the beautiful scene and of course the amazing Eiffel Tower. I went to the door, opened it and looked outside on the floor. Tyler's roomdoor were open but I didn't knew if I should go over or not. "Tyler...?" I whispered, knowing he wouldn't hear me. "Tylerrrr...?" I called a bit louder. He stretched his head around the corner and looked at me. He waved and made a hand move to show me I can come over. I let the room door open since I had no key and went over to Tyler. 

Tyler were sitting on his laptop working on some things. He had many programs opened and in the background silent music flowed through his headphones wich laid next to his laptop. "Is josh still sleeping?" He asked me while he still looked at the screen. I nodded and quietly said "yesh..." because I couldn't decide between yes or yeah and I was super happy I said it this quietly because the chance Tyler heard that was small. But he did, looked at me and grinned. "Should I wake him?" I asked. I stood right next to Tyler and he just said "you can". "Do you two need to be somewhere?" Tyler waited a moment until he answered: "the last concert is a little earlier." He turned around and looked at a clock, it were 12 am. "Ok you should definitely wake him. The concert is at 18 o clock and we have some stuff to do after and before." I just said a short: "ok." and wanted to leave the room to wake josh but Tyler stopped me: "miriam?" I turned around again and said: "Mizz, Miri, Mimi, ... or however you want to call me." I smiled at him because I didn't want him to think I meant that mad or something. But he didn't, smiled back and said "ok... Miri." This wasn't my most loved choice in nicknames but for me it was still better than miriam. "You're taking this really serious, aren't you? This relation with josh I mean..." he turned his chair so didn't need to stretch his neck so much. "I do" I said without needing to think about it. We both said nothing for a short moment so I said: "he always were so far when I still were in Germany but I always knew it wasn't this 'having a crush on him' ... it was love and nothing else. I knew I would leave everything behind for him... just to be with him. And now I'm here and i know i would do it more than ever." Again I didn't want to bend his ears so I stopped even though I could have explained more. He just nodded and said "I know". He wanted to say something but I interrupted him: "I think we would make a great team. You'll see. I have the same humor than both of you do. I just need some time ..." Tyler looked at me, looked away, nodded once and smiled at me. "I believe in you being a really nice couple." He said. I smiled back at him and already wanted to leave the room but I remembered a question I really needed to ask someone, so I rubbed my hands against each other. I always did this so hard that I hurt myself. "Tyler ...? Do you know how this will go one after the tour? I mean ... when you leave Europe and fly back to Ohio?" Tyler looked a bit surprised at me, he may not have thought about this before. It took a moment till he answered: "I haven't talked with josh about that. But I think he has a solution for this." I nodded slowly and left. "Miri?", Tyler called. I turned around and looked at him. "Everything will be alright." I somehow were happy he said that but I have never been a person wich were this easily to calm so I were still worried. 

Josh were still laying on the couch like dead. I smiled and shook him gently but josh weren't reacting at all so I shook him a bit harder and began to hit him with a pillow. Josh weren't surprised, he woke up very slowly, rubbed his eyes, looked at me and smiled. I laughed and said "I just hit you with a pillow as hard as I could and you're waking up like a butterfly landed on you!" "Well you just be really weak then." He grinned cheesily and I was so surprised I groaned a long "whoa" and hit him with the pillow again. Josh laughed and pushed me so I fell on my back but as he wanted to get over me I boot him as soft as I could but as hard as I needed to serve the purpose. Josh fell against the backrest, moaned and tried to get back to me again but I held his arms and pushed him so he laid on his back and I laid above him. We both laughed and I hugged him. "You will never win wrestling with me." I joked as I looked at his him again. "You'll see." He smiled again, blinked and I got up from him. Josh got up and stretched. I looked in the black empty tv and said: "josh why am I nearly naked?" He turned back to look at me. He looked from up to down. "Huh?" He asked. "I haven't done anything. I just laid you in the bed because you were so sleepy. You must have takes you pants off on your own." Josh tried to explain himself. I smiled vaguely, turned around and said "that wasn't meant like that. I was just being funny. I mean. I tried." Josh smiled a bit. He still looked at me with his arms behind his head. He just wore shorts but I tried really hard not to look at them. "And why have you slept on the couch?" Josh turned around, going to the bathroom. "I didn't want to sleep. I were doing some things on my iPad but I must've been more tired than I thought.", he yelled from the other room. I looked at the table where his tablet laid and nodded. Just for me. And I felt a little weird but josh das my seen it. "Josh you don't have to put makeup on. You are beautiful the way you are.", I joked and got up from the couch again. I hoped josh knew this were a joke this time and I went to the bed, searching for me clothes. I head nothing from him so I turned around and saw him looking through the door at me making a silly face with his eyes half opened and his tongue out. I grinned at him and began to look for my stuff again. I found my black pants and my fan shirt lying on the other side of the bed and don it. Josh came back with wet hair, again only covered in a towel and searched for something to wear in one of his suitcases. I couldn't take my eyes off him. Him muscular back and his tattoo. Oh my god his beautiful tattoo sleeve. He found some pants and a top, turned around, smiled at me and left in the bathroom again.   
It took only five minutes, I were looking outside the window, trying to get the knots out of my hair, till josh came back and stood next to me. "You have a brush?" I asked shortly. He lended me a hairbrush, of course not one my hair was used to but it lasted and I brushed my hair. Josh stood next to me and looked outside the window too. "You wanna breakfast?", he asked and I laughed. "I'm not a big breakfast-fan. At least German breakfast I mean. But since it must be something like one o'clock I think I'll eat something. Yeah." Josh looked surprised at me when I told the time and looked around for a clock. He wore the back ripped jeans and his "Tyler"-tattoo showed off. I really wanted to put makeup on but I had nothing with me and since I were so bust I hadn't been able to buy some. I thought about Jenna. She must have had at least a eyeliner or something but she hadn't been with Tyler earlier and i didn't want to take her makeup without permission.   
Josh and I left the hotel room. As we walked down the floor josh stopped suddenly, held his index finger up and went back to Tyler's room. He knocked on the door, Tyler opened and josh asked "wanna come breakfasting with us?". Tyler took his room key and closed the door behind himself. Then both came back and we walked down. Tyler to my left and josh to my right. 

We went to the lobby and found the hotel's restaurant with a big buffet. We three took some plates and filled them will all good we found. Then we searched for a table and sat down. The whole time we took some from every plate. It wasn't "my plate", "your plate", we just shared and it felt so familiar. Both ate a lot cereals while I enjoyed some buns mostly. 

Tyler noticed my tattoo on my wrist and asked: "what does it stand for?" First I was irritated, then I looked at it and thought a moment about how to say it. "Well ... there have been some cases of suicide in my family. And my mom always told me about how the Familie died when her cousin killed him self. Four years ago her other cousin, who were like a brother for her, hanged himself in a clinic. It took a long time for us to get to normal again. 'Normal'..." I made quotation marks with my hands. "It had never been the way it were before. So I got this tattoo because I always wanted to kill myself too. It should remind me about the feelings we had and ... how much we all broke. Sometimes it helps. But I'm still thinking about Suizide a lot." Both, Tyler and Josh, looked at me shocked. I breathed in and said: "it's alright. We all have problems, don't we?" They looked at each other. "My brother wanted to kill himself too. He had to go to a psychiatrist.", I said while looking at my plate. Both said nothing. They just looked at me. "I'm sorry.", tyler said. He felt guilty for asking and I nodded. I looked up and smiled at josh. He still had his eyes wide open. Behind him I saw Jenna coming towards us. Brad was with her. "Hey!", I waved at her and she smiled. He gave Tyler a kiss on his cheek. "Jenna?", I asked quietly. She looked at me and came down on my height. "Do you have some makeup I could borrow? I look like shit." She smiled. "Oh of course come with me!" She took my hand and pulled me away. We went up again and entered Tyler's room. 

Inside she looked through her suitcases and found a wash bag filled with makeup. "Oh my god you're my hero!" I said and looked inside. "I just need a eyeliner." "Black or brown?" She asked and took two out. I took the black one and went to the mirror. I drew a winged eyeliner on within seconds and gave the pen back to her. "Thank you so much!" She looked surprised how fast I were and asked "concealer?" I nodded. Later she gave me a brush and some hair ties and I made a ponytail. I felt so much better. 

"Gonna work out!", josh held his head through the half opened room door. I saw brad behind him. Both held a sport bag and were ready to go. I went to josh and gave him a kiss on his cheek. "You can go shopping with Jenna. She has passports for the hall later." Josh petted my arm and I nodded. Both left then. I turned around. Jenna had already put her jacket on and a bag in her hand. "Ready?", she asked. I shook my head and ran to Josh's room door, wanted to get my jacket, but I realized I had no key, so I turned around and said: "uh ... well I think I'm ready then." And laughed. 

We went to a big shopping mall and searched for some boutiques. Jenna found a small shop with a lot of nice stuff. But they only sold clothing wich would look good on her. Not me. I searched for some shops with a lot of blacks and finally found one. We bought some tops and pants, all black, and of course underwear. It was 4 pm when we left the mall. Mark picked us up with a van and drove us to the hall. The queue were so long already. So many people were waiting to get in and see their favourite band. But they still had to wait one hour to get in and one more hour till Bry would start. After that I would take about one more hour till josh and Tyler would enter the stage.   
Inside everything was built up already. Bry's band rehearsed on stage. Backstage twenty one pilots had one big room were all of them sat in. They talked about the progress and nearly didn't recognize us. The tv was turned on and an Xbox one installed. The call of duty title screen showed up.   
Jenna and I plumped on the couch and threw the bags in the corner. Tyler and josh turned around and looked mad at us. We both looked at them and poked our tongues out. Jenna and I laughed. "Wanna play?" Jenna asked and made a head move towards the Xbox. "Sure but what?" I asked. "We only have cod here...", Tyler said without looking at us. Jenna and I grabbed a controller and played.   
About half an hour later josh and Tyler began to get ready for the show. Josh put some red underneath his eyes and Tyler painted his neck and hands black. They already wore the white shorts and leggings (josh) and the kimono (ty).   
Jenna and Tyler hugged and talked to each other. I think it was some kind of ritual. I looked at them shortly then looked for josh. I didn't knew if I should go to him or leave him alone since I knew about his anxiety. But josh looked at me and squished his eyes while smiling. "You know ... like cats do?", I said and did it too. I squished mit eyes hardly and kept them closed for about a second. When I opened them again I saw josh smiling wide and I smiled too. "In Germany we say 'Hals- und Beinbruch' what would be 'neck- and leg fracture' in English. But I think you say 'break a leg'?" I said and josh nodded and hugged me. "You will do great!", I whispered in his ear and kissed his cheek again. Josh and Tyler went then and Jenna and I entered the hall. We had some seats right in front of the stage but very far away.   
We watched the whole show and like everyone we turned our flashlights on our phones on when they played 'Goner' and we went totally crazy when they told us to.   
"I need to get to Tyler now.", Jenna said when the show was over. "Should I go to josh too? What do you think?", I asked because I were so unsure. "They both will get back to hotel as fast as possible I think. So you should search for him right now." We both tried to get through the people without anyone recognizing that Jenna were in the crowd.   
Tyler and josh were sweating as hell. Of course josh weren't wearing a shirt anymore.   
When he saw me he grinned and opened his arms. I screamed "No no no no no!" And tried to run away from him but of course he were faster than me, packed me from behind, pulled me against himself as hard as he could and lifted me up. "JOOOOOSH!" I tried to look at my back but I already felt how wet it were. Josh laughed, packed the end of my shirt and wiped the sweat from his forehead. I realized too late, then I hit him and laughed too. "You're such an idiot!" I said while laughing. Josh laid his arm around me and we went back to the others.   
"The show was amazing!" I looked at Tyler while saying this and he smiled. "Josh you're so awesome! I wish I were as good in at least something than you are at the drums...", I looked josh in the eyes. "And oh my god you're so hot." I said and looked down on his six pack. He still held me in his arm and pulled me a bit more against him when I said this.  
Jenna took our shopping bags and gave me the ones with my stuff. Josh and tyler nodded at each other and than we got back to our hotel. 

Josh turned the lights on and threw all his stuff away. Josh sat down on the couch and i said: "i am going over to Jenna." He smiled and nodded. I went over and knocked. Jenna opened and let me in. "Oh good you're here... I wanted to give you something.", she said and went away for a second. She came back with an eyeliner and a concealer. I smiled and said "oh my god you don't have to...!" But she demanded so I had to take them. I already knew the concealer were too dark for my dead skin but I were so happy so I didn't care. Jenna made a coffee for both of us and we sat on the bar. She told me Tyler went down to the lobby to extend our layover. We talked about the show again and she said that she were always so scared when Tyler climbed and when josh did the backflip. And I were too! I nearly died when josh jumped but on the other hand it were so damn sexy. We talked about half and our about all different stuff then I said "I really need to shower. Hope I'll see you later. If not, I wish you a good night." I smiled at her and she smiled back. Then I left. 

The door were open a tiny crack so I were able to get in.   
I didn't saw josh so I just took my shirt off and went in the bathroom. As soon as i entered I realized the flowing water and I shocked. "Miriam!!!" Josh yelled. First I didn't move. I held my breasts because I were so scared josh would become mad at me. "Yaaaaaahhh...?", I asked quietly after a very long moment of silence. Josh held his head through the door. Happily it were fully steamed. "I haven't seen anything ...", I said as slowly as I could and still looked just forward. "I-I didn't knew you were in here ..." josh just did nothing. I think he just looked at me. "I'm sorry jishwa..." I didn't knew why I called him like this. I thought this would just break this awkward moment but I felt more and more ashamed. It took a moment but then josh laughed. "Why ... why haven't you knocked?", he asked and I turned around to look at his face. "I didn't realize the light were on and I haven't heard the water and I were kind of tired and ... I'm so sorry josh...!", I tried to explain myself but then I realized tears coming up my eyes. "I'll just leave. I'm sorry." I said and turned around to leave the room.   
"You wanna join?", josh asked. He still looked at me. I stopped and thought about his question. "Uh ... I ..." I stammered and looked at him. He nodded and I thought about leaving but somehow I decided to do it. So I took my bra and the rest of my clothes off and opened my hair. Then I entered the shower.   
Josh smiled at me and landed me his shampoo. "Will I grow a beard after using this?", I asked and looked at it. It were 'for men' and if course typical black and advertising with making super sexy and all this stuff. Josh laughed: "I hope not!" And leaned his head back to wash the foam out of his hair. "So this is how you get all the girls naked and wet at once?" I grinned while saying this and shampooed my hair. Josh had to laugh immediately and because of this he swallowed water and coughed. I had to laugh too and weren't able to rescue josh from drowning so I had to laugh even more. When he recovered himself he said: "yeah well you know ... this is my line." We both laughed then I thought about what I just said... 'Does he think I'm wet now...?' I washed the shampoo away and looked around for some body lotion. A small dispenser stood right behind josh. It were one from the hotel. So I wrapped my arm around him and tried to get the bottle. Josh pulled his eyebrows up and smiled. And I had to laugh again: "you ass..." I squeezed some lotion out and slathered my body with it. Josh watched me and I looked up at him. He looked straightaway and tried to do something else but there were nothing else he could do so he touched the glass and drew a face on.   
I smiled and looked at his belly and saw that he had no lotion on so I decided to chance that. I grabbed his neck and pulled myself against him. He looked at me surprised but then he smiled and grabbed my hips. "Have you put lotion on yet?", I said slowly with my voice a little deeper. He shook his head very slow and looked in my eyes. I looked down at his lips and realized we hadn't really kissed yet. But I thought maybe it were better this way and decided not to kiss him.   
He pulled me underneath the water and scrubbed the lotion off my body. I tousled through his hair and smiled right at him as he smiled back.


	4. Chapter 4

I tousled through his hair and smiled right at him as he smiled back. 

I laid my head on his shoulder and enjoyed this moment. Josh turned the water off and I released him from me. I smiled at him, closing my eyes for a second. Josh opened the door and let me get out first. He took a big towel and gave it to me. I covered myself in it and took a step to the side so josh were able to get out of the shower too. I watched him for a while then I realized I had the only towel so I rubbed myself as dry as I could and gave the towel to josh. "Oh it's okay!", he said but I leaned my head to the side so he knew I really wanted him to take it and he did. I collected my stuff from the floor and left the bathroom. I took some of the new clothes Jenna and I bought earlier and put it on. Some shorts with Hawaii pattern and a black top. I pulled my hair up and braided it. Josh left the bathroom too and dressed up. "Hungry?", he just said and looked at me. "You?" I asked and he nodded. So I nodded too. "Wanna go to the hotel restaurant? You will need to change I think ..." he looked down at me and my shorts. I laughed: "it will take forever to dry my hair." Of course his hair were dry already. "There's a hairdryer in the bathroom.", josh said, pointed at the bathroom door and looked at me again. "Okay I'll dry my hair and you'll wait at the restaurant okay?" Josh agreed and I went to dry my hair. I put makeup on and changed. I wore a black dress and took my hair half up. Then I left and searched for josh at the restaurant.   
He waved at me and stood up. "Oh wow you look so good!", he said and pulled the chair away so I could sit down. "Does this mean I don't look good usually?", I joked but josh did take it serious. "No no this was not how I meant it! You just look so different and so go-" "josh I was just joking!", I laughed and held his hand "oh ...", he said then laughed too.   
The waitress came to ask us about our drinks and gave us the menu. "Oh you can drink something with spirit if you want to.", he said because I just ordered sprite. "I usually don't drink." I said and josh were a bit surprised. "Yeah you need to know ... it's a little iconic since my last name is 'martini'", I said and josh grinned. "It is?", he asked and I nodded smiling. "My other first names are Brigitta Stephanie." I added then and he wanted to say something too but I interrupted him: "William" he laughed and the waiter came to ask for our meal.   
I ordered vegetarian lasagna and josh ordered some beef with potato skins.   
"Oh are you vegetarian?", he asked and I shook my head. "No no. But I love pasta and the lasagna sounded so good.", I made a silent "mmmmh.", because I thought of pasta and how much I loved them. Josh had to grin and raised his glass. I raised mine too and we clinked our glasses. "To us", josh said and I were a little surprised. But I agreed: "to us", raised my glass too, blinked and we drank. 

I wanted to ask how long we will stay in Paris and what we'll do when we leave but I were too scared of Josh's answer so i just waited till he said something. "So Jenna and you sympathize now?", josh asked and leaned his head on his arm. I nodded: "I think so! The evening with her was great! I hope we will become friends..." "oh I bet you already are!", josh sounded so enthusiastic. "You think?" I asked and he nodded while drinking. "What about Tyler?", I questioned and somehow had to drink too while I watched josh. Josh smiled and said: "what have you talked about with him when I slept In the morning? He were really inspired by you." I were confused. Inspired? By me? What did he mean? "I ... I just asked him a bit about us and what he thinks. And he said that he wishes us the best ... and stuff ...", I said while looking distracted. Josh laughed. "He likes you too." He smiled and we got our meal.   
While eating we talked about how the tour were and what they experienced during it. Josh told me that he works out nearly every day and asked me to come with him next time.   
We sat there about two to three hours then decided to go back to Josh's hotel room. The light in Tyler's room were out already so I decided not to go to Jenna and went with josh instead.   
"The Xbox is...?", I asked and josh immediately knew what I wanted to ask. "At Tyler." And I nodded. "You wanted to game?", he asked while changing in some cozier clothes. "Yeah", I smiled and changed too. "Oh you would totally loose!", he laughed and turned the tv on. "Haha!", i grinned at him. "We'll see!" I said and smiled. Josh smiled at me too. "Thank you for dinner and the clothes and everything.", I said and went to him. He laid his arms around my hips and pulled me nearer. "No problem" we both smiled. 

Josh kissed my forehead and we watched tv for a while. At 1 am we decided to sleep. 

\--

The next morning I were the first one awake so I decided to jump in the bathroom and fresh myself. I donned new clothes, of course everything black, and sat down on the couch. I looked outside the window for a long time than I pulled my phone out of my pocket and looked for everything new. I saw the photos brad uploaded and of course liked every single one. I deleted every notification I had to try not to get sad or upset. I thought this were the best way. Still. So I decided not to look at my whatsapp messages because everyone would know I were alive. But I had to write an SMS to my mom to let her know everything were ok.   
I stalked Josh's snapchat again and watched the snaps from the show and everything what came after.   
Josh groaned behind me but he didn't wake up. He just turned around and pulled the blanked up. I smiled and looked at him. I still had no ideas how I should contact him when we would be apart or if i would get lost. But I always felt so stupid to ask. I wanted him to gave me his number on his own, not because I told him too. I still had no idea what would happen tomorrow. Or this afternoon!

It knocked at the door. First I looked at josh again, then I got up and opened it. Bry stood in front of me looked in. "Isn't josh up yet?" "No I'm sorry. What did you want from him?", I asked and opened the door a bit more but not too much. Josh laid topless in bed and I didn't knew if it where ok for him if I let Bry in. "We're leaving and I wanted to say goodbye.", Bry answered and I saw Tyler's room door were open and the rest of bry's band said goodbye. "Oh I'll wake him!", I said and ran to josh. I kissed his cheek, then I remembered his sleep where like the one from a sloth and jumped on him. I pierced in his rips and tried to tickle him. (I would kill him if he would wake me up like this...)   
"Joshyyy... you need to get up. Bry and his band are leaving ...", I whispered in his ear and he suddenly opened his eyes. "Leaving?", he said loudly, searched for his mobile phone and looked at the clock. "Shit!", he screamed, jumped out of the bed and took pants on. He then ran to the door and jumped on bry's back and hugged him.  
I took the clothes lying on the ground and laid them together. So they weren't everywhere. Then I got to the door and watched them all. It were so cute how emotional they all were and Bry cried a bit. He then hugged me and left. Josh smiled at me, took a sport bag and asked: "ready for workout?" I exhaled loudly, laughed a bit and agreed. 

We went to a gym in the middle of Paris. Of course brad were with us. Josh lended me some shorts and a top and we met in the big hall with all the gym machines. Josh laid his arm around me. I always felt smaller than I really were when he did this but on the other hand I thought it were so cute. "Uh josh? I can't do every workout. I have knee issues.", I said and smiled at him. I had to look up because he pushed me down a bit. Josh nodded and we three went to the treadmills. Josh and brad were able to run so fast while I nearly died at the third level. I felt how my face blushed and how warm it got. They were able to run for hours while I tried to do something else because running wasn't the best for my knee. If sat on a machine to train my legs and watched the boys. 'Oh Mann ... heute Abend werd ich Josh einen blasen...' (oh my ... I'm totally gonna give josh a blowjob tonight), I thought while looking at josh. He sweated and listened to music.  
Because I wanted to impress him I went to another machine where you needed to pull yourself up. Josh still ran on the treadmill and heard music with his phone. I have everything even though I had no power anymore. But I tried to pull me up at least ten times then I laid down on a bench and did nothing for a moment.   
When I thought josh were looking at me again I did some sit ups. I always were so good at making sit ups in school but now, four years later I did about twenty and were out of puff already.   
I admired josh and his skills in working out and playing the drums. He were so in shape and I felt like a potato. But I thought maybe Josh's hot body would prob me to get in shape again.   
Josh smiled at me a few times and I smiled and blinked for a longer time. I did this a lot. This "cat-blink" with smiling. I decided to get on a crosstrainer and end my work out for today. Josh made some chin-ups and lifted some weights.  
Then we all entered the cabins, showered and changed. 

We met in front of the gym and made the choice to eat brunch together. We went to a small Café.   
Josh and brad hat a lot stories to tell. And they laughed a lot. I didn't knew very much about brad so I listened interested. 

"Oh I saw your other tattoo yesterday-", josh said and then remembered why he saw it. He blushed and looked at brad. "Uh...", he stumbled and looked at me again. "The one on your leg..." I nodded and smiled because I thought about our showering too. Brad looked a bit confused at both of us but didn't say a word. "This is from a game, right?", josh asked then and I answered: "oh yes it is. It's from the game 'portal'" I smiled. I could have continued but somehow I wanted them to ask. And if they wouldn't ask it where ok the way I answered.   
"Why did you get something tattooed from portal?", brad looked at me. "Oh I got the companion cube, a turret saying "I don't hate you" and the aperture science logo tattooed. I wanted it because the companion cube were chell's only friend during her adventure and so this will always be mine. And for it not to be too alone I got the turret and the logo." Brad made an understanding "aaaah", and scooped another bun inside his mouth. I smiled and looked at josh again. He smiled too. "You never played Portal am I right?", I asked and he smiled wider. I squished my eyes because I had to smile so wide too.   
"Oh and the one on your back!", he then said and looked at me interested. "What the fuck have you two been doing yesterday?!", brad asked loudly and we both stopped smiling. "Umm nothing?", I then said and made a weird move with my hand. Josh looked at brad and smiled. Then he looked back at me and I answered: "watercolors. Because I'm an artist. It isn't a special motive. Everyone sees something different."   
"Now I want to see it too!", brad mumbled while putting another bread in his mouth.   
"But I think you won't!", josh said and looked mad at him. Brad turned his head round with the bread still in his mouth. When he saw Josh's gaze he jumped a bit and I laughed silently.   
Underneath the table I began to rub my leg against Josh's. First he were a bit Terrified, thinking it was a mistake, but then he smiled a bit and participated. After a while he laid his hand on my knee and a frisson ran down my back. But a good one because I got so excited. Good thing i were done with my meal so I were able to concentrate on our love story down the table and try to listen to what brad were telling us. He said something about the photos he took and I tried to sound interested so I said: "you usually edit you photos on bridge, don't you? And why?" But I didn't listen his answer because I concentrated on josh.   
I let my hand slide up his leg and got nearer his zipper. I put my hand inside his pocket and played with his jeans a bit. Then I went to the area before and slid a little deeper to his penis.   
Josh stood up rapidly, his chair drifted some meters away. "I think we're done here!", he said while looking just forward, turned around and went to the bar to pay our brunch. I looked at brad who looked at me with his forehead frowned. I opened my mouth because I thought I would say something but nothing came up my mind so I just got up too and waited for brad to get ready.   
Brad took to long and I couldn't wait any longer so I went to josh. He looked away even when I stood next to him. "Josh I'm sorry.", I said silently. He didn't gave me a look: "No no it's okay." I turned in front of him and looked in his eyes. "Josh really! I don't want you to be angry!", I said while looking him directly in the eyes and at least he did too. "No I just thought we were playing with our legs or something. Like wrestling under the table. I was just surprised.", josh grabbed me and pulled me against him and hugged me. My face got pushed against his chest so hard it hurt and I felt totally uncomfortable. 

Brad came to us and we left the Café. "Okay I think we'll go for a walk", josh said. He held me in his arm again. Brad nodded and both said: "see ya!" Then we all left. Josh took my hand and we ambled through the town. I still thought he were cross with me but didn't say a word. I didn't want to make him even angrier.   
We went to the champs Élysée and I totally freaked out as soon as I realized where I stood. "Oh my god josh! Look!" I ran from one thing to another. I even freaked out about the trees. "Josh look!" I screamed here. "Everything feels so familiar!" I called there.   
Then I calmed down, laughed and went to josh again. He frowned, laid his head to a side and looked at me with a weird smile. "I'm sorry", I laughed. I held my belly and grabbed his arm. "It's just. Everything looks just like in unity. My favorite assassin's creed game. I always wanted to be here!" I looked around. I were so happy. Josh smiled and kissed my head. I looked up at him: "thank you for taking me here..." I looked at the trees, the people, the street. "Haha. How much it all changed! This were a huge park... and now it's full with houses and streets and ...", we just stood there for a while and watched.   
"Oh can we go to the Notre Dame? Please?", I said and looked up at him again. He nodded and I smiled like a child. From here we went through arc de triumph, past the louvre and arrived the beautiful church Notre Dame. I tried to keep my excitement in but I still grinned like a Cheshire Cat. We walked around the Norte and josh asked be to go inside. "I dunno. I'm afraid I'll catch fire." Josh thought it were a joke and laughed. But at some point I really were afraid. But he wheedled me and we went inside.  
It were so bright. The exact different of what I expected. I turned around to see the stained glass and were totally flashed. I touched the cold old stones and josh lighted a candle. I looked up and thought about how I used to jump from stone to stone in assassin's creed. I turned around to look at josh and wanted to go to him but since I had no conception of his religion I waited for him to come to me.   
Together we went to the Eiffel Tower then. My mother always told me that it weren't the way expected so I knew how full it would be and that there weren't much green around it. It began to get darker and when we arrived there a Lightshow began. I were totally flashed and we both stood in front and watched. I laid my head on Josh's shoulder and felt how he put his arms around me. We didn't say a word and nearly at the end of the show josh turned me around, pulled me nearer and kissed me. 

First I were totally surprised but then I kissed him too. My breath stuck and I felt like dying. I wanted to kiss him all the time and finally we did. His lips were so soft and I forgot everything around us. I looked at him and he smiled and I did too. Then he grabbed my waist, turned me around and pulled me nearer. We watched the light show till the end, then we decided to get back to the hotel. We took a bus and got back within 10 minutes. 

Up in our floor all doors where open and we heard the boys laughing from Tyler's room. We got inside where they played Grand Theft Auto together. Josh ran inside and jumped on Tyler. Jenna sat at the bar and drank a coffee. She welcomed me and made a coffee for me too. We watched the boys and of course josh joined the game too. They cheated helicopters and flew into each other to make a huge crash and they laughed so loud. Josh didn't play very long he just made the the big accident and killed a lot people. A lot. Then he gave the controller back to brad and watched them again.   
Josh looked at me and smiled. Tyler recognized it and looked at me too. "Oh Miri! I wanna play with you!", Tyler said, stood up and took another game in his hand. "I bet you won't win a match COD against me!" He grinned and held the game cover up. "Haha I bet you'll lose!", I said and jumped off the chair. Tyler started the game and we played. I snipered all the time and Tyler went so upset he said a lot bad stuff, like: "oh my god you fucking sniper! Stop it or I'll make you leave tonight!" But I laughed about it and finally won. Tyler looked very angry at me, then laughed and hugged me.   
I got up and sat next to Jenna again. "How's you day?", she asked and smiled. I looked at her and grinned wide. "Very good till now.", I looked at josh. "Very good..." for a moment I said nothing than I asked Jenna how her day had been. "Well we've been in our favorite cafe in Paris and now we'll just chill for the rest of the day. The boys came over a few hours ago. I'm very glad you're here now.", Jenna laughed and I smiled at her.   
"Now tell me what really happened today...", she whispered and lend over the table. My smile got wider and I leaned nearer her too. I looked at the boys, playing GTA again and said: "we just kissed yet!" Jenna made a silent "ooooh" and sat back again. "Yet?", she asked and sipped on her coffee. I laughed. "Jaaaa...", and looked at josh again. He were still watching the rest play and laughed with them. I went over and sat down next to him. He smiled at me, looked at the screen again and laid his arm around my waist. I kissed his cheek and he looked at me again and kissed me too.   
"Wanna go over?", he asked and raised his eyebrows. I nodded hardly, he took his jacket and we both left. I waved at Jenna and she blinked at me. 

After josh closed his room door he threw his jacket away, packed me and kissed me. I grabbed his cheek and pulled him nearer. Josh smiled while kissing and I took my jacket off and threw it away too. Josh's hands slid from my waist up to my rips. I touched his chest and he pushed me towards the bed. We kissed all the time and he gently threw me on the bed.   
The moonshine where the only light guarding us because we hadn't turned the lights on again. I saw josh taking his shirt off and I smiled. Then he came over and crawled above me. Josh kissed me again and I grabbed his pants. With my feet I booted his pants off and away, he grabbed my back, pulled me up and took my top off. I smiled and turned josh around so I could sit in him. He opened my pants and I removed my bra. Josh dragged me nearer again and kissed me. I kissed his neck, down to his belly button and took his boxer shorts off and josh took my panties off. I smiled at him and kissed josh again as he touched my hips and entered in me.   
I moaned silently and wanted to warn him about my loud groaning but I decided to say nothing instead.   
While I sat on him I moved my hips for- and backwards and josh held my legs. I laid my head on my neck and moaned rhythmic. Josh grabbed my neck and gently pulled my lips to his and kissed me again. With my hands i touched his chest and moved my hips up and down. Josh began to groan too and I smiled a bit.   
He held my hips and began to pull me up and drag me down. I found that really sexy and groaned even more. I leaned back again and let my hands slide over his hot body. He began to sweat a little bit. But not enough to build beads of sweat, just enough to make a thin film on his skin. His body warmed up and so did mine. I am not able to sweat but my body can become extremely hot.   
Josh let me move in that rhythm and touched my neck and my legs. His upper hand slid down between my breasts then he held me on my waist with his both hands and turned me around so I laid on the bed and he were above me. I smiled because I were really impressed by his skills. He kissed me and began to move his hips.   
It felt so good. His genitals began to get more wet, what I felt with every move he made. He placed his hands right beside my head to recover himself and smiled at me. I touched his strong arms and looked at his tattoo for a while. He began to thrust harder and I moaned louder. I totally concentrated on him and how it felt, how soft his skin were and the way he touched me. As I thought about all this I held his arms harder and drilled my nails inside his skin. I moaned louder and and my breath got stuck a little bit. Josh felt that and smiled, leaned more over me and thrusted even harder. I closed my eyes for a second, and as I got off I pulled his head towards mine, kissed him and said: "oh josh!!" Josh smiled and lost his rhythm. He got slower and as soon as I stopped moaning he stopped moving, kissed me and laid down next to me.   
We laid like this for a moment, then I rolled over to him and kissed him. Josh smiled. 

"You are sooo hot!", I said and laid on my back again. Josh laughed: "oh god don't say that..." "but it's the truth!", i said and looked at him. He looked at me too and i laid my head onto his shoulder.   
"Do you want to come to Ohio with us tomorrow?", josh asked while looking at the ceiling. I looked at him, directly in the eyes. "You ask me after having sex?", i laughed. Josh turned his head to see me. "I mean. Like you first want to see if I'm good in bed and then you're asking me ...", I joked but I weren't sure josh would get it at first so I laughed. Of course he were a little skeptical, not knowing how I meant it. "Of course I want to come with you.", I said and kissed him. "Oh good. I didn't got it.", he smiled and closed his eyes. 

\--


	5. Chapter 5 - ENDING

\--

 

Josh's alarm waked us very early. It was about 7 am. We both were really tired and could have slept for a few more hours but we toiled ourselves out of the bed and made us a little fresh. Then we collected all our stuff, packed Josh's suitcases and made us ready to go. Josh opened the room door. The whole floor were already full with bags and suitcases and everyone were busy, filling the floor even more. Josh went over to Tyler so I decided to check if we really packed everything and ran from corner to corner, room to room and up and down. I still hadn't very much stuff but josh had a lot even if he hadn't everything packed in here. I saw nothing from us standing around then I went over too.   
"Our room is empty...", I said when josh saw me coming inside. He nodded and continued his conversation with Tyler, who were still packing a suitcase with clothes.   
"Hey Miri!", I heard Jenna calling from the bathroom. I laughed: "well I didn't knew our friendship were this close already!" And heard her laughing too. She opened the door: "no silly! I'm trying to find all my makeup!" I entered the bathroom too and helped her. "Well you remember you gave some stuff to me right?", I joked and looked at her. She looked up and smiled. "Of course I do!" We searched in the entire room for only one Kajal. When we found it Jenna said: "Okay I think I'm done with my stuff", she smiled at me and closed the door behind us again.   
"So we are ready! Let's go downstairs and get into the bus!", josh said and we both went. The floor were half empty again and only three of Josh's suitcases stood outside anymore, wich we picked up and carried down where two busses waited for us. When we packed Josh's stuff inside the rest arrived too and we all drove to the airport. Mark organized everything for us and we only had to wait one hour for our flight. 

"How long will the flight be?", i asked josh when we all sat down and waited. Josh muttered, pulled his phone and looked online. "12 hours...", josh said with a sad undertone. "Whoa...", I moaned and looked at the others. "I always wanted to be in the USA. This always were one of my biggest dreams.", I said and looked at josh again. "What were the others?", he asked interested and grabbed my hand. I thought about it for a moment. Then answered: "to be ... happy I guess...?" "Aren't you happy?", josh asked. "I think I am. But not this ... everything's alright with me-happy.... and I think I will never reach this ..." josh totally understood, smiled a bit and hugged me.   
"You know...? The world is shit and there is happening so much in the moment wich makes me even sadder. And I know this is not my business but of course somehow it is ... i can't make it better and thinking about it won't make my situation better. But it is this whole situation which makes me sad. Everyday. Not knowing where I am home, not knowing what life brings me, not knowing if I will always feel like this ...", while I stammered this i looked at my hands all the time, wich I rubbed against each other all the time. "You know you're the only one making it this hard for you?", josh asked and leaned forward a bit so he could look in my face. "You're here with us and that's all what matters in the moment..." I interrupted him, knowing he wanted to say more: "at the moment!" I looked at josh too. He held in for a moment. "It's all what matters. You can't change the world alone and I'll promise you ... I will make you feel better.", josh smiled. I thought about this for a moment: "I hope so."  
The rest of the time we spend with talking, making jokes, surfing on the internet and fretting each other. In the plane we sat together and Tyler and Jenna behind us. The flight took so long. We only had one stopover in Newark where we had to wait for 2 more hours. 

It were 6 am when we arrived Columbus. We said goodbye to the rest of the crew and josh drove to his house with me. We didn't do very much because we were still tired so we just threw our stuff away and went to bed again. 

We slept 4 more hours until I woke up. It felt so good to wake up next to josh without time pressure and the knowing that we must be somewhere at sometime. I cuddled myself towards josh and he made a silent groan and smiled. Josh laid on his back, opened his eyes a bit and smiled at me too. I grabbed him and pushed my head towards his chest. "We don't have to be somewhere, right?", I asked and looked at him. He smiled even more and said: "no we don't have to be somewhere." I jumped up, sat on my knees and shook him: "can we go outside then? Can you show me the town?!" Again I was as much excited like I was in Paris. I smiled widely and looked at him with bright eyes. "Of course I can. But first we need to stow all my things, okay?" "Okay!", I said and got up. I put all my clothes on, which laid on the ground and held in. "Umm...", I stammered, "where was your bathroom again?" Josh laughed and pointed at the right door. I went inside and made me a bit fresh.   
Josh came inside too, smiled at me and styled his hair. "Okay then ...", he said when he put his brush down, stroked a strand of hair back and looked at me. "I'll show you the house." He smiled, I nodded and we left the bathroom.   
Josh showed me every single room. In nearly everyone was at least one thing that had something in common with drums, like drumsticks, some single drums, poster and of course a lot drum sets.

There was a garden in front and at the back of the house wich was totally new for me. "You know in Germany they usually have the garden behind the house. Sometimes it is around or next to it. But I don't think I ever saw a house with literally two gardens.", I told josh and he was as surprised about that as us was about the two gardens.   
Both garden were simple. Not much flowers or decor like benches or something. Just natural but manicured.   
"So", josh said and went behind the bar. "What do you want to eat? Not like I have very much here. We need to go out for breakfast... and lunch ... and dinner...", josh joked and I laughed. "I don't have any idea. I mean I even don't know any restaurant we could go to!", I smiled at josh and he nodded: "yeah right" and grinned. We decided to take breakfast at a small restaurant in town, where josh drove us. 

I had never been a morningperson and by no means have I ever been a breakfast person. But as soon as I saw the extremely delicious menu I ordered some pancakes and while waiting I were as excited as I had been one the concert. "Well I was expecting a diner like in 'life is Strange'", I said to josh, crossed my arms on the table and looked around. It were just a beautiful cafe like we have in Germany but I liked it more than every one I had seen in my homeland. Josh laid his head sideways and I understood immediately: "oh ok you haven't played." I squinted one eye, pointed and josh and said "well you missed something!". Josh smiled, hunched his shoulders and looked outside the window. I knew he weren't uninterested and I hadn't got mad at him. I noticed in my head that I needed so show him this game one day.   
The pancakes were the most delicious ones I had eaten my whole life. We talked about what josh needed to do the next few days, then drove home again. Josh parked in front of his house again and when we both left the car and I wanted to go inside the house but josh looked at me a way I had never seen before at him. "Where you going?", he asked. I stumbled and stammered and he said: "we need to say hi to my family." And as soon as he said that I felt so misplaced and as far as I remember this was the first moment I felt like this for all the time I was with josh. The only things i saw were him and even he were blurry. Everything else was black and I felt how my hands were sweating and my eyes filled with tears. Not that I wanted to cry, this situation were just too much for me. 

I don't remember what we discussed then, but we stood in front of Josh's parents door, wich lived in the house next to him, and he rang the bell. 

His mother opened the door and hugged josh as soon as he saw him. I smiled. I didn't knew what to do but I smiled and laughed a bit. His mother turned around to me, grabbed my hand and said "you must be miriam!" I were shocked, went a step back, looked at josh and said some words no one could understand. "Josh told me so much about you." "Did he?!", I said a little loud and looked at josh and his mum mixed up. I saw josh gently smiling at me, what softened my nervousness a bit. "Come all in!", Josh's mother said and opened the door more so we were able to get in. I pressed myself against the wall but josh gestured me to go inside first so I did. 

Josh's whole family waited inside for him and I felt my nervousness rising again. I tried to act over it and smile it away. Luckily everyone wanted to welcome josh first and I got a little cooler. Abigail introduced herself first and the first thing I said to her was "oh my god you look so beautiful!" She had put a dark red lipstick on and blushed a bit when I said that.   
Ashley hugged me and I told her I would confound the sisters many times and apologized in advance.   
Josh's mom had baked a cake and we all sat down to get together and eat some cake. I think it was a vegan cake. It was good! But something was missing ...

\--

The next days flew away like nothing. Josh had a date with zest smoothies and Tyler came over some days. Josh sometimes took me with him but other days I were with Ashley or Abigail.   
From the day I got to know Josh's parents I were nervous every morning when I wake up and every time I saw josh. I never told him about my nervousness and that I felt trouble inside me but only about a week later I realized I got a depression and anxiety again. 

\-- 

It was December the first when I woke up in the morning, rubbed my hands against each other to get off the sweat and turned around to look for josh. He still slept and I got inside the bathroom to get ready for the day and went down in the kitchen and took a zest smoothie out of the refrigerator.   
Josh had been away the last night with some friends and i think they had visited a concert again.   
It was about 9 o'clock and it wouldn't take too long till josh would wake up too.   
I felt every single heartbeat inside my chest. With trying to think of something else i wanted to get my pulse a little lower but I didn't really work. It felt like hours and I wanted to think about something else so I got my mobile phone out of my pocket and I saw all the notifications from my family and from work. And when I wanted to put my phone away I somehow opened one of the chats. 

First I read the last message I got and it was from my mom. She wrote me: "die Kündigung ist angekommen." (The dismissal arrived.) I scrolled up and read every single message from here. I can't remember I read this fast ever before. After I finished my moms chat I opened the one from the head of my department. She wrote me things like "I always knew I just can't rely on you" and "we hope to never hear from you again." My stomach got filled with a feeling like a stone laid inside of me and I got cramps. I looked around, put my jacket on and ran outside. 

\-- 

And this is all I remember before I got here. I ran inside this store and took a gun from the wall. I had no money so I just took it when the salesman were away for a second and rand behind the building inside a small bath and shut the door behind me.   
Now I'm sitting on the wet floor, the gun in my hands. I'm glad I was intelligent enough to stole some bullets too. I had been looking at the pistol for a few minutes and I'm taking my phone out of my pocket. I opened the chat with my father and wrote "alles gute zum Geburtstag Papa! Ich hab dich so lieb. Euch alle." (Happy birthday dad. I love you so much. All of you.) In thinking about writing josh too but this doesn't have anything to do with him. So I'm just taking a stone laying in another corner and with it I'm scratching "josh" and a heart in the floor.   
I'm taking the gun, filling it with only one bullet and putting it inside my mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry but I somehow had to end it that way.   
> I'm struggling with depressions and anxiety since I am about 9 years old and killing myself had always been the only way for me to end this life.   
> I hope you all enjoyed my story.


End file.
